A Modern Day Essene

I can't believe that the holidays are almost over. I don't feel like I have had much of a break. I certainly don't feel like I am ready to begin another year of homeschooling. Part of this is probably due to my concerns with Ben and his future. School for him was a nightmare last year and I really haven't got the foggiest idea as to where to start this year. On top of that I have an 'official' pre schooler and grade one student this year. That always means more labor intensive work on my behalf and I just don't know where I am going to find the energy on top of everything else.
From what I have read with Aspergers, they generally need a very structured style of learning. I guess that is where I have gone wrong with Ben! I was trying to apease him and use a very unstructured style. All that happened was he ended up resisting any form of learning and ended up back in the games room on his favourite thing in the whole world...........NINTENDO......'sigh'. I don't know, maybe my son will end up making the games he seems to enjoy so much!
I'm terrified about entering the world of 'proffesionals' who may try and determine the course of my son's life with their 'expert' views. Then again, I had the same thoughts when I was diagnosed with depression and entered a similar world myself! And the reality was that they didn't want to tell me how to live, they wanted me to work out things after chewing over all the possibilities! so maybe it won't be as bad as I am imagining.
Sometimes, to be very truthful with you all, I wonder if homeschooling is the very best route for me in life right now. It is my twelth year of homeschooling and it has become more of a habit than a passion. I look at my graduated children and am proud that I have achieved something positive but when I think of the years ahead and the workload that is upon me I shiver.........
I have so many personal goals and dreams. I would love to learn professional massage, maybe even reflexology. I'd love to volunteer a day a week working in one of the charity op shops that I so love! but not at the sake of my children and their needs. It is just that I have needs too and most of these have been buried for so long due to my convictions about motherhood.
I know without doubt that God put homeschooling on my heart in the first place and I have always said that when or if it was time to stop that he would gently lead me in a new direction and I would have peace. Well, I don't have any peace right now so I am assuming that nothing has changed!
I usually start the year off with enthusiasm so this is very hard for me. I just hope something kicks in during the next week.

It has been a long time since posting so thought I had better write a few words. A lot has been on my mind since Christmas. Mostly about my son, Ben, ten years old. It was as though a lot of things about his behaviour became polarized, there were things that stood out a lot more than they ever had before. For six years I have battled with thoughts about Autism. My sister in law who thinks she knows it all was the first to suggest (behind my back) that Ben was Autistic. At the time I had just had my seventh baby and was trying to deal with the seperation of my parents 40 year marriage. To say that I did not take the information well was putting it mildly. In my heart I kind of knew there was a truth to it but all I wanted to do was wrap my son in a cotton blanket and protect him from the harsh, cruel world.
Whenever I expressed my concerns about our son to my husband he would always reassure me that Ben was just a little different from other kids but nothing was wrong with him. I found comfort in my husbands calm assurance that everything was fine. I always hoped that as Ben got older he would 'grow out' of his 'different' behaviour. I consoled myself that because he was an intelligent child there was no way that he could be labelled Autistic. Just because he couldn't cut with a pair of scissors, had no interest in imaginative play or group fun didn't mean he was Autistic! After all, he would sit down and read the Dictionary from A-Z nearly every day!!
Well, for some reason this weekend everything seemed to come to a head. I decided to actually research  information on Autism and more specifically Aspergers Syndrome. It was like reading the story of my Son's life :-(    Finally, after six long years I openly expressed my concerns and gave it a name........AUTISM. Today I rang the doctor and made an appointment to see him regarding Ben. I hope above hope that I am wrong but something tells me not. I believe that God has given me the strength that I need at this time to deal with everything that comes my way. I certainly feel God's peace right now more than I have in a long time.
Please keep us in your prayers.........