I know I go on a lot about this topic. I guess I am passionate about it and that's why I talk a lot on this subject. It's all about Christianity and getting to know the Christ I never knew!
I was "saved" when I was 17 years old. I wasn't what one would term a "worldly girl" I had quite strict morals that I lived by, regardless of how my parents viewed them! I hadn't had many boyfriends before I met my husband but I'd had enough to know that he was a very good catch and to stop looking any further! My then to be husband had already been saved for a year when I met him. He was VERY PASSIONATE! I remember that he and a friend both walked around in their "JESUS JACKETS" which were basically black jackets with christian patches l sewn all over them! things like "Jesus Saves", "Turn or Burn" and other such interesting phrases!! Steve hated me listening to "worldly music" and very quickly I had to give up my regular friday nights of watching "Countdown" a popular music show from the 80's! I learned too that alcohol was "evil" infact Steve referred to it as "the demon seed" and to touch it was pure sin! there were many other things that I had to change about my behavior in those first naive years of christian living!
Looking back now I realise that a lot of my behaviour became "learned behaviour" I learned to speak "christianese" a language that was unique to christians! words like "Bless you brother" or " filled with the spirit" were expressions that I had never heard before but used often then! My pattern of christian living became programmed in my brain by those around me. It wasn't brainwashing, it was probably similar to how children grow in different family units, some are rough! some intelligent, others strict..........my christian life was tuned in to my life experiences and also from pulpit messages. I was very influenced by opinions of other christians, christian books, visiting ministries. Very little, in all honesty, was based on a personal relationship with Christ.
I lived within the church walls for 25 years! I knew no different. Then trouble struck! I experien ced the sudden and traumatic effect of depression in my life. The church came around me, prayed for me, gave me spiritual advice on how to deal with this "enemy" and made a few meals. Then suddenly, just like they had never existed in my life...................they left me alone!
A few have hung around, not many and not often but a few good people still keep in touch with me. It's funny but those same people are the ones that I often thought as being "non spiritual"they were the church "doers" rather than the "spiritually mature". I remember thinking of one lady in particular, she has such a servants heart, and she would spend most of the church service running around seeing to other people's needs. I used to think to myself that she should be sitting down with the rest of us in worship! I'm not bitter though! I did the same to other people who withdrew from church myself. They were "too difficult, too hard to minister to......best to leave them to someone else!" You see, when the spiritual answers to problems don't seem to be working, quite often the church don't know what to do! For so long I was taught about prayer, healing, faith and the POWER!!! I, along with many others yearned for more and more experiences, proof of God's miracle power. Not just miracles but sensations! Pentecostals live for sensations!! But what happens when the sick don't receive healing? what happens when people die? when bad things happen to good people? that, for me, was always a hard question.
I haven't been to church for 14 months. In the begining I felt bad but now I don't! I honestly don't miss it. I have been able to stand on the outside of church and see it as a non believer for the first time in 25 years! But I am not a non believer! my faith in God is stronger now than it has ever been. For the first time in my christian walk I have an "intimate" relationship with my Father God. I can barely talk about him without tears flowing. I just can't reconcile the Jesus I know now to the one I learned about in church! they are poles apart. That is one of the reasons that I can't step into church again right now, it would be too hard, too difficult to absorb the "programme" that seems to have hidden the real Christ. The worship, the dancing, the flags......all so hard for me to be a part of right now. I know God understands! the other day I picked up another Phillip Yancey book "church, why bother?" which, unlike the title suggests, is not knocking the church! I can relate to everything the author talks about and it is somewhat of a relief to know that I am not alone!!
As an outsider I can see how hard it is for a non christian to enter a church! even with all our super friendly seeker services aimed at attracting "the world" it seems a far cry from the account of Jesus's life whilst here on the earth. He spoke to prostitutes in a way that showed loved and correction all at the same time, he was accused of being a "drunkard" by the legal church leaders of the day, he mixed with the sick and the poor. How different is that to the example of may leaders today who flaunt their wealth and celebrity status? forgive me father for I don't mran to stand in judgement but after many years of accepting all that was shown to me I now just have so many questions..........
I was "saved" when I was 17 years old. I wasn't what one would term a "worldly girl" I had quite strict morals that I lived by, regardless of how my parents viewed them! I hadn't had many boyfriends before I met my husband but I'd had enough to know that he was a very good catch and to stop looking any further! My then to be husband had already been saved for a year when I met him. He was VERY PASSIONATE! I remember that he and a friend both walked around in their "JESUS JACKETS" which were basically black jackets with christian patches l sewn all over them! things like "Jesus Saves", "Turn or Burn" and other such interesting phrases!! Steve hated me listening to "worldly music" and very quickly I had to give up my regular friday nights of watching "Countdown" a popular music show from the 80's! I learned too that alcohol was "evil" infact Steve referred to it as "the demon seed" and to touch it was pure sin! there were many other things that I had to change about my behavior in those first naive years of christian living!
Looking back now I realise that a lot of my behaviour became "learned behaviour" I learned to speak "christianese" a language that was unique to christians! words like "Bless you brother" or " filled with the spirit" were expressions that I had never heard before but used often then! My pattern of christian living became programmed in my brain by those around me. It wasn't brainwashing, it was probably similar to how children grow in different family units, some are rough! some intelligent, others strict..........my christian life was tuned in to my life experiences and also from pulpit messages. I was very influenced by opinions of other christians, christian books, visiting ministries. Very little, in all honesty, was based on a personal relationship with Christ.
I lived within the church walls for 25 years! I knew no different. Then trouble struck! I experien ced the sudden and traumatic effect of depression in my life. The church came around me, prayed for me, gave me spiritual advice on how to deal with this "enemy" and made a few meals. Then suddenly, just like they had never existed in my life...................they left me alone!
A few have hung around, not many and not often but a few good people still keep in touch with me. It's funny but those same people are the ones that I often thought as being "non spiritual"they were the church "doers" rather than the "spiritually mature". I remember thinking of one lady in particular, she has such a servants heart, and she would spend most of the church service running around seeing to other people's needs. I used to think to myself that she should be sitting down with the rest of us in worship! I'm not bitter though! I did the same to other people who withdrew from church myself. They were "too difficult, too hard to minister to......best to leave them to someone else!" You see, when the spiritual answers to problems don't seem to be working, quite often the church don't know what to do! For so long I was taught about prayer, healing, faith and the POWER!!! I, along with many others yearned for more and more experiences, proof of God's miracle power. Not just miracles but sensations! Pentecostals live for sensations!! But what happens when the sick don't receive healing? what happens when people die? when bad things happen to good people? that, for me, was always a hard question.
I haven't been to church for 14 months. In the begining I felt bad but now I don't! I honestly don't miss it. I have been able to stand on the outside of church and see it as a non believer for the first time in 25 years! But I am not a non believer! my faith in God is stronger now than it has ever been. For the first time in my christian walk I have an "intimate" relationship with my Father God. I can barely talk about him without tears flowing. I just can't reconcile the Jesus I know now to the one I learned about in church! they are poles apart. That is one of the reasons that I can't step into church again right now, it would be too hard, too difficult to absorb the "programme" that seems to have hidden the real Christ. The worship, the dancing, the flags......all so hard for me to be a part of right now. I know God understands! the other day I picked up another Phillip Yancey book "church, why bother?" which, unlike the title suggests, is not knocking the church! I can relate to everything the author talks about and it is somewhat of a relief to know that I am not alone!!
As an outsider I can see how hard it is for a non christian to enter a church! even with all our super friendly seeker services aimed at attracting "the world" it seems a far cry from the account of Jesus's life whilst here on the earth. He spoke to prostitutes in a way that showed loved and correction all at the same time, he was accused of being a "drunkard" by the legal church leaders of the day, he mixed with the sick and the poor. How different is that to the example of may leaders today who flaunt their wealth and celebrity status? forgive me father for I don't mran to stand in judgement but after many years of accepting all that was shown to me I now just have so many questions..........
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