For two years now I have had a major addiction in my life, a shopping addiction. It sounds like something out of one of those awful American chat shows but sad to say, it is very real for me.
It all started about two months after I had my 'breakdown'. I found that I was unable to read like I used to because I simply did not have the concentration. I don't know whether the medication I was on had anything to do with that but as hard as I tried to read, I just couldn't. I am not a television watcher! unlike my husband who devours the t.v in the evening. I get very restless just sitting in a chair watching the t.v so I had to find something else to do. I did! I found the internet and the big wide world of internet shopping. It started off with books. I became addicted to buying books, lots and lots and lots of books. One was simply not enough, I had to have every book that anyone ever recommended. My house started to look like a library but in all honesty it didn't have much effect on our finances because most of the books I bought were second hand and it all kind of stayed manageable. The 'buzz' for me was not in having a house full of books, it was the process of pushing the 'buy it now' button and then waiting for the postman to deliver the goods. That was a huge thrill. Once the books arrived then they were placed on a shelf and seldom looked at. I then moved on to other things, more expensive collectors items. I was hooked, line and sinker. I joined a collectors forum where my appetite to buy more and more was fed on a daily basis. I checked ebay regularly, not just Aussie Ebay but every Ebay in the world! The finances were starting to suffer and I had to juggle money around in order to feed my habit. I ended up selling things on Ebay which was a huge pain because I spent more time at the post office sending parcels than doing my home duties (including homeschooling). Eventually I was found out when our phone was cut off. My husband forgave me, took out a personal loan to pay the debt and I promised I was over my addiction. I wasn't............it wasn't long before it all started again. This time a different hobby, a new item to buy, a new forum to join. The bills were not being paid, the mortgage was in arrears. Things were really getting bad. Two weeks ago I confessed to my family as I was in such a mess with everything that it was affecting every area of my life. Once again I have mounted up an enormous debt. I hate myself for it and desperately want to stop but the temptation is HUGE. I can't begin to tell you how hard I am finding it. My husband is a good man and once again he is trying to deal with it.
I don't know why I have become caught up like this. So many people have tried to analyze me. Some people have told me that the items I am buying are replacing the children I can no longer have. I don't think so! Some people think it is low self esteem. Personally I think that the internet has been my 'stress pill'. When I couldn't cope with life around me I retreated to a place of security and comfort...........the internet.
I have also realized that I am not the same person I used to be. I am more often than not in a 'zombie' state of lethargy..Housework and chores in the home are difficult for me and this is hard to admit because I used to be so thorough in all of these things. I often wonder just how drugged out I actually am. I have gained 14 kg since starting medication and that makes me feel horrible. I just want to go back to 'normal'.
Don't know what else to say really, I guess that is about the depth of my horrible story. I just hope there is a happy ending.
