A Modern Day Essene

What a week!
I began a fast last week and had a long prayer list. God managed to answer the major problem but gosh, he sure knows how to do things with a bang! I'm not saying that my life is instantly better but I do believe that things have been buried and a new life is beginning.
Thanks for the prayers x

On a lighter note..............gosh I think we all need that right now! I must tell you about a wonderful movie that my husband and I saw last night. It is called "The Book Of Eli" and stars my very favourite actor, Denzil Washingston.
I didn't have any idea what the movie was about before arriving at the cinema, It was my choice based solely on the fact that my favourite actor was playing the lead role. I don't want to ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen it but basically the storyline is set after the apocalypse when the world is an entirely different place to the one we now know. The few survivors resemble something out of a Mad Max movie (you have to see the movie to see what I mean) But then there is Eli, a man with a mission. His task is to take a book (And I'll leave the description of that book as a secret for now) to the 'west' in order to save the human race.
There is swearing and a lot of violence so please remember this before deciding to view it, but in all reality that didn't bother me because it was necessary in order to portray the atmosphere of the world in which the film is set. What is wonderful about the movie is that it shows what a world without God and his word would be like.
I was totally absorbed in the storyline from start to finish. The only thing that bothered me was a scene at the end but I can't really tell you about that for fear of ruining the storyline to those who haven't seen it! (It just bugged me)
9/10 rating for me!

For two years now I have had a major addiction in my life, a shopping addiction. It sounds like something out of one of those awful American chat shows but sad to say, it is very real for me.
It all started about two months after I had my 'breakdown'. I found that I was unable to read like I used to because I simply did not have the concentration. I don't know whether the medication I was on had anything to do with that but as hard as I tried to read, I just couldn't. I am not a television watcher! unlike my husband who devours the t.v in the evening. I get very restless just sitting in a chair watching the t.v so I had to find something else to do. I did! I found the internet and the big wide world of internet shopping. It started off with books. I became addicted to buying books, lots and lots and lots of books. One was simply not enough, I had to have every book that anyone ever recommended. My house started to look like a library but in all honesty it didn't have much effect on our finances because most of the books I bought were second hand and it all kind of stayed manageable. The 'buzz' for me was not in having a house full of books, it was the process of pushing the 'buy it now' button and then waiting for the postman to deliver the goods. That was a huge thrill. Once the books arrived then they were placed on a shelf and seldom looked at. I then moved on to other things, more expensive collectors items. I was hooked, line and sinker. I joined a collectors forum where my appetite to buy more and more was fed on a daily basis. I checked ebay regularly, not just Aussie Ebay but every Ebay in the world! The finances were starting to suffer and I had to juggle money around in order to feed my habit. I ended up selling things on Ebay which was a huge pain because I spent more time at the post office sending parcels than doing my home duties (including homeschooling). Eventually I was found out when our phone was cut off. My husband forgave me, took out a personal loan to pay the debt and I promised I was over my addiction. I wasn't............it wasn't long before it all started again. This time a different hobby, a new item to buy, a new forum to join. The bills were not being paid, the mortgage was in arrears. Things were really getting bad. Two weeks ago I confessed to my family as I was in such a mess with everything that it was affecting every area of my life. Once again I have mounted up an enormous debt. I hate myself for it and desperately want to stop but the temptation is HUGE. I can't begin to tell you how hard I am finding it. My husband is a good man and once again he is trying to deal with it.
I don't know why I have become caught up like this. So many people have tried to analyze me. Some people have told me that the items I am buying are replacing the children I can no longer have. I don't think so! Some people think it is low self esteem. Personally I think that the internet has been my 'stress pill'. When I couldn't cope with life around me I retreated to a place of security and comfort...........the internet.
I have also realized that I am not the same person I used to be. I am more often than not in a 'zombie' state of lethargy..Housework and chores in the home are difficult for me and this is hard to admit because I used to be so thorough in all of these things. I often wonder just how drugged out I actually am. I have gained 14 kg since starting medication and that makes me feel horrible. I just want to go back to 'normal'.
Don't know what else to say really, I guess that is about the depth of my horrible story. I just hope there is a happy ending.

Hi guys
Still here. Going through some major 'stuff' right now so finding it difficult to write anything. Looking for answers and really wanting change.........
Thanks for any prayers my way. x

Over the weekend the Jewish feast of Purim was celebrated. I love the Jewish customs and whenever I can I love to introduce some of these celebrations in to our lives.
Today, albeit slightly late, we are celebrating Purim. We pushed our normal workload aside and concentrated on learning what Purim is all about. Purim is the story of Esther, the brave Queen who risked her own life in order to save her people, the Jews. The bad guy in the story is Haman, servent of the King who initiated the decree to have all the Jews killed.
We spent the morning making Groggers, basically a noise maker! When the story of Esther is read (usually in the evening and then again in the morning over the Purim feast) every time the name of Haman is mentioned the children are encouraged to shake their music makers (or in this case empty toilet roll holders, decorated and filled with rice!) and shout "BOO". Then when the name of Mordecai is mentioned they shout for joy "Hooray Hooray".
We also made Hamantashen cookies, a delicate biscuit filled with sweet jam and in the shape of a triangle.
Leah made a cut out doll of Esther and Ethan made a cut out doll of Mordecai. They then laminated them so that they can use them as bookmarks. Ben completed a word search puzzle including the words associated within the story of Esther and Purim!
I find my Jewish Holiday  books from Heart Of Wisdom to be a tremendous source of information and ideas on how to celebrate the Jewish feast. It has added a wonderful dimension to our home schooling life and I really believe that my children will benefit from days like this when they grow up and look back in fondness at the fun we had celebrating the word of God in our home.
Tonight we are sharing a simple meal but all effort is going out to decorate the table and make the evening special. Happy Purim everybody!

I haven't spoken about this subject for a long time. It has been two years since my 'nervous breakdown' a term that is not medically correct but simply refers to the 'sudden onset of severe depression'. Four weeks after the birth of our ninth child I hit rock bottom.
These are some of the things that I learned during this time and things that I believe really helped me to get back on track. I just wanted to re-address these things today because 'someone' out there might find it helpful.

1) Depression is NOT CIRCUMSTANTIAL! i.e, it does not need a CIRCUMSTANCE to spark it off! It may contribute to the level of depression felt by a sufferer but it is not dependent on circumstances.


 2) Depression is SYSTEMATIC! ie, it doesn't depend on a circumstance, "it lies within the system ". That is why when well meaning people suggest that someone with depression "Take a holiday" or "Go for a long walk" are almost useless to the sufferer! Because depression is systematic it follows you on holiday, follows you when you go for a walk, follows you wherever you go! A depletion of brain chemicals produces the system for which depression thrives.


3) The brain has a number of messengers called 'happy messengers' Technically these neurotransmitters are known as 'biogenic amines' they don't just keep us happy, they energize us and help us to cope with pain and remain tranquil. Some of these 'happy messengers' include Seratonin , dopamine and a group of tranquilizers that are found in abundance in te brain.

4) Other messengers are called "sad messengers" These neurotransmitters carry bleak and sombre messages. They tell the brain to be downheartened, cautious and dispirited. An excess of sad messengers makes us depressed, anxious, sleepless and fatigued. These are the messengers that dominate when we feel overwhelmed by life's demands. Examples of sad messengers are cortisol and a group of enzymes that rob us of happy messeners.

So.........what helps and what can I do to get better?

Affection.......hugs, backrubs, massage etc etc signals the brain to release oxytocin, a hormone that boosts feelings of affection and is a buffer against stress.

Laughter.............Lowers the levels of the damaging stress hormone, cortisol. Laughter reverses the constriction of blood vessels, helps protect brain cells and helps us get rid of the fatty stomach that excess cortisol can give us during times of stress.

Counselling .initially I was scared about receiving counseling but it was very beneficial and helped me put my thoughts in to perspective.

Medication   Some times you can get better without the need for medication. For me this wasn't the case, I was too bad! Medication merely stabilizes you and allows you the balance to seek more natural help.

Food that heal........Grapefruit, oranges and whey protein contain a stress busting ingredient and will help you to stay calm and tension free

Whey    contains alpha lactalbulmim that boost the body's level of tryptophan, a buidling block of the feel good hormone, Seratonin by as much as 43%
Seratonin  is a brain chemical that reduces hunger and boosts our sense of well being. When serontonin is low you can become increasingly dissatisfied with life and food! making it hard to stick to a diet. When seratonin levels are high we do NOT crave sweets! (I personally take 3 scoops of whey protein powder a day mixed up in a fruit smoothie.........I have done this for two years now and swear by it)

Foods that are considered sources of Tryptophan (a natural sedative) include Dairy products, Beef, Turkey, Poultry, Fish, Brown Rice, Barley, Soybeans and nuts,


and last but not least CHRISTIAN MEDITATION..........the art of spending quiet, contemplative time meditating on God's word.
This to me has to be the most BENEFICIAL thing that helped me on the road (long long road) to recovering.......

Our ladies group at church have just begun a new course called "Nurture" based on the book written by Lisa Bevere. Lisa Bevere is someone that I admire a lot. I read her book "Out of control and loving it" a few years ago and was astounded by her honesty. When our pastor told us about this course I felt so excited. It is all about directing women to walk in the gifting that God has given them "Nurture". We have only done one lesson so far but is was just beautiful. I know that I had a tear or two in my eyes! This is something that I have felt for such a long long time. For years I have sought out older women to 'nurture' me and for a long time I thought I was 'weird' in wanting this. I now realize that I am not alone! But it is my job to nurture just as it is to be nurtured.
I highly recommend anyone doing this course if it comes along. The book is very inspiring and Lisa is a great author.